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March 12th, 2006
11:05 am - hello and good bye
Long time no talk.
If you are interested, in what I've been doing on the romantic front for the last 6 months, I've finally started journalling it under ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) am_fortunesfool. Should be a bunch of entries over the next few days/weeks to catch up.
You are welcome to add it.
This shall be the last post here.
Thanks for the good times.
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August 22nd, 2005
10:16 am - getting by - short
things have been a bit rough, but I still miss my elf. very much.
only 1.5 months before I can show her
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January 31st, 2005
04:04 pm - Legalizing forced prostitution - Germany leads
Frightening what bureaucracy can do in the name of standardization:
News link:
'If you don't take a job as a prostitute, we can stop your benefits'
Edit:
Snopes response clarifying can versus will, indicating that the above article merely illuminates a loop hole in the laws which has never been acted on -- thanks to arewar for the link.
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January 11th, 2005
09:44 pm - Compromise
Some months ago I was having a conversation with marajaded about D/s stuff. She was asking questions about my relationship with enigmaticelf. In theory I have final say on everything in the relationship (in practice that's rather complicated, and we often aren't as strict about it as we'd like). "So there's no compromising?" I recalled a post by elf, where she says that our method is for me to give my opinion, she give her feelings, I decide and that's our version of compromise. So I explain that compromise occurs, it's just that idealy I regulate it rather than both of us.
In my past relationships, compromise and decisions are a bit like weighting a scale. Each person puts in their desires, resistances, emotional reactions and so on. Both sides would talk, trying to put in the right amount of weights onto the scale. At the end, hopefully every agrees which way the scale tips. Problem was, I never knew if I saw the scale right or we both put in an honest evaluation of our feelings.
So I suggested to marajaded that there's still a scale used to compromise. Only I put in all the weights, and I read the result, and I decide how to proceed from there. That way it's consistent, I never feel jipped, and there's never a fear that one of us played the game more than honestly.
Sometimes, however, I don't understand elf's feelings well enough to make an informed decision. That gets quite tricky. The usual result is that I keeping pressing her to talk more until we're both frustrated and annoyed.
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December 11th, 2004
12:45 am - BACK!
Nothing like seeing pet kneel to remove my shoes after 25 hours of travelling. mmmmm
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November 22nd, 2004
03:27 pm - Languages
This journal is slowly turning into a "normal" journal as well, since more people read, and comment, than my "vanilla" journal. So here is an interesting tidbit about me -
I know at least one non-cliche word (ie, Banzai! doesn't count) in 8 different languages. Here is an ordering of my language skills. I'll use vocabulary size as the ranking factor as it's a good indicator in my case.
- English - tens of thousands of words. I've seen two reports indicating that a college educated american uses 15-30 thousand words, and recognizes about twice that.
- French - hundreds or thousands of words. I have enough vocabularly to get around and converse, but am clearly at least an order of magnitude below fluency.
- Thai - 30 to 40 words. My trip to Thailand this weekend added 25-30 words to my vocabulary. I can make a few basic comments and count to 9,999 - counting is very simple in Thai.
- Armenian - about 15 words: mostly numbers and greetings.
- Spanish - about 10 words: mostly numbers.
- Mandarin Chinese - about 6 words: "hello", "see you later", "thank you" sort of stuff.
- Norweigan - 2 words: "arm" and "Arc of Triumph"
- Swahili - 1 word: "hello"
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October 30th, 2004
06:53 pm - Posting and English whoring
A few people have complained that I'm not posting. Primarily I've been swamped with work - really swamped. I'm spending the entire weekend grading 90+ 6 page essays (they're wretched too). But there's more than just lack of time, it's lack of energy. For me, writing is not a relaxing or energizing endeavor. It takes a lot of effort for me to put together something worth reading. So that's where I've been... drowned and exhausted.
Now, in all this grading I'm seeing a ton of errors in the writing. Improper use of the word "wrong" has shown up repeatedly, enough that I'm now curious what specificly/technically is wrong (there I go) with the usages I'm seeing. For example:
"The department makes wrong financial calculations."
I would never say that and I can't imagine a native speaker saying it either. "The financial calculations were wrong" or "The department makes poor financial calculations" sound fine. So all you language geeks - what is the problem with the example?
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September 28th, 2004
08:40 am - [asian news] Defense of small nations
The US says that Taiwan and China should resolve tensions through dialogue. That's why two days ago the US sold US$16 billion worth of arms to Taiwan...
I do think one can negotiate from a position of strength and it's possible for the US to support that. But the timing is rather ironic and a bit insulting. But honestly, how well can Taiwan hope to defend itself? China has more people in it's military than Taiwan has population.
I've been happy to see the Singapore military switching it's focus to anti-terrorism instead of traditional defense. If Malaysia and Indonesia decided to take out Singapore there wouldn't be any fighting. Indonesia would turn off the gas, Malaysia would turn off the water - end of conflict, Singapore loses.
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August 31st, 2004
12:05 am - Sometimes life is good
elf: miss you sooo much
elf: agh! can't wait!
elf: *premptive bounce*
me: heh
me: *laugh*
me: thanks, I needed that
gotta love those premptives bounces
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July 8th, 2004
12:46 am - Ultra-LDRs
I've been through long distance things before. Email, IM, and frequent phone calls cut through the distance. But now I've got an issue I haven't been through before. With a twelve hour time difference it's pretty easy to have regular IM conversations twice a day, nearly every day. But even with that there's a problem: mind set. I go home, relax and want to talk and talk, while she's at work and busy. Twelve hours later she's home and ready for an in depth topic - while I'm trying to keep a work focus. So in spite of talking twice a day, we only get to really converse once a *week*, and less if one of us has a busy weekend.
It's really not something I expected. And it's harder than I expected. It tends to make discussion of d/s very difficult.
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May 29th, 2004
03:05 pm - New munch!
I went to a munch in Singapore the other night. I had a real good time and it went remarkably late. Like the rest of Singapore there was a whole mix of ethnic groups - westerners, chinese, etc.. The group was younger than most munchs I've been to, largely mid 20s and 30s. I was welcomed, people had both interesting stories and were interested in others. All in all a typical munch. Very nice to meet a few kinksters in a new land.
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April 28th, 2004
10:20 pm - Debates on no-limits
There's been a raging debate in one community and one journal about babalon_it. She even dealt with contributing. I don't recommend you waste your time reading it.
So why would it be a waste of time? Simply because the debate is based on an impossibility. People love to debate all sorts of hypothetical things. It can be great fun to debate the grand philosophical "what-ifs". As we mature we tend to care less for the metaphysical meaning of life, and get down to the business of day-to-day life and things with real probability of occurring.
This reminds me of the SEI's view of risk management. It's pointless to come up with a lot of risk management strategies for things with no probability of occurring. In fact, it's not worth the time even for issues with positive but small probability.
How does this relate to DS? The first thing we jump to hearing about a TPE or no-limits relationship is the extreme stuff. While that's fun to debate because it's dramatic, it's unlikely to be truly meaningful to the relationship. No-limits might mean the sub will accept being maimed, or be punished for refusing, but that doesn't mean the chance of it happening is greater than zero. Who goes into TPE saying "I hope to be maimed"? Generally it's more like "would I rather be punished arbitrarily or know that I wiggled out of the consequences of pissing him off?"
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April 18th, 2004
09:44 pm - On punishing
Punishment is not a common event in our relationship. As we've said in the past, elf is only punished when I'm displeased by something she's done *and* I would have had her do something different if I'd had the chance to tell her. This means there are no punishments for impossible circumstances. There is no punishment for taking the choice I'd have made, even if she contradicts previous orders. If she can correctly read my mind, that is rewarded.
Like many subs, elf is very upset by hurting me. Probably more upset by my pain than most any punishment I'd give her. So generally punishments serve to provide resolution so that we can put the event behind us. At times it helps me work out my pain. Often I will make the punishment a writing assignment in order for us to both better understand what happened and how to prevent it in the future.
There's a question left though. When is it appropriate for me to hand out that punishment? I don't mean when has she done something deserving punishment - the introduction makes that decision clear. I mean, how soon after the hurt do I decide on a penitence and what needs to be done before making the decision?
We have an agreement which forms the bedrock of our relationship. Even more important and fundamental than our power dynamic, is our communication. We talk through EVERYTHING. If at all possible we talk it to death and then talk about how we communicated. It is this agreement and how well it works between us, even more than our amazing fit of style and needs, that makes me believe in a future. It is an agreement we insist on, and I enforce when needed, through everything.
So clearly, from a dynamic even more important than our ds, I'm going to listen to her side. But does that need to be before I give her a punishment? When should I listen first and when second? How does my reaction to the transgression affect the decision? What about her reaction? What about circumstances, such as when we'll have time to talk through it? And what if our communication is constrained to email, or IM, or the phone, due to distance and commitments?
I have a few opinions on the matter. First, by default we talk first with punishment later. If it's clear that she knows what hurt and why I'm more likely to get the punishment out of the way and deal with details later. If I'm angry enough that self-control is a challenge then I'm in no shape to punish and we'll talk first. From a recent mess I've learned that when distance is involved, it's wise to err on the side of talking first, as the opportunity to talk may otherwise get delayed, letting the punishment exacerbate the original problem rather than resolve it.
Sometimes my emotions are so knotted up that I have to -do- something before I can talk. That is a tricky situation. What I need to get my emotions in order, and what she needs to not feel her trust misused may be at odds. How do I make sure that I pick the right times to act first? And how do I make sure that decision can be trusted, even when used so rarely.
A year ago, certainly 15 months ago, I would always talk first and punish later. We simply did not have the trust, comfort, and history to do otherwise. But our relationship has changed, we know eachother better (and consequently less punishment), and we contine to strive for a dynamic closer to our desires than our comforts. Elf, I am taking the right to act first, to punish first, then talk. I promise to use that right sparingly, and to the best I'm able, wisely.
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January 29th, 2004
01:12 pm - Miss you
enigmaticelf is away for a few days and I hate it already. It's not that I can't do everything - I'll stay fed, the house won't collapse, I'll have clean clothes, blah blah balh - it's just that I don't want to do anything. The first day is always the worst, but I lose a lot of motivation when she's not around. And with my schedule, lack of motivation is really not a good thing. I've never had this happen so intensely with anyone else. *growl*
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January 14th, 2004
04:32 pm - Ahh the evilness
enigmaticelf was just grumping about having lost something and frowning at me. I decided to be evil - I looked up at her face and smiled that big, happy "I love looking at you" smile. Her lips curved slightly no longer frowning. But that wasn't enough for me. I ran my hand softly across her stomach for two seconds, still grinning widely at her. And that did it, she started smiling back.
I'm so mean :)
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December 31st, 2003
05:46 pm - Some answers to questions from my pet
Recently enigmaticelf asked me some intriguing questions:
- Why do you want to control me?
- Why do you think you deserve to?
- Why do you think are you able to?
- How do we both benefit from it?
- What of value do I get from you in return for giving you my submission?
( And here are my answers: )
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November 12th, 2003
09:48 am - D/s quote of the day
From a conversation with teine:
"I haven't solved the engineering of a spring loaded metaphorical d/s leash"
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November 11th, 2003
07:33 pm - Positive Rule Results?
In a recent post I mentioned that elf is required to let me start first at meals. The main conclusion from this work is -- I'm a pig.
I've had a little trouble determining if she obeys or not. I tend to find us half way through the meal (or finishing) and wondering who took the first bite. 95% of the time elf kindly informs me that I did. This has proven that if you put food in front of me I will start eating immediately, generally without noticing I've started. Obviously, I'm a pig.
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November 5th, 2003
04:50 pm - Classification geeking
elf say this somewhere "The true Dominant feels that things beyond his control shouldn't have been beyond his control - and that if people would have listened to him the economy would be in better shape".
Now, I do believe that there are things out of my control that should stay that way. I also don't believe that the economy would be any better if people had listened to me. Of course there are some things that would be better had people listened.
So maybe I'm a 'true Dominant' with 0.65 confidence...
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October 26th, 2003
04:29 pm - Priveleges and rights I will always give back
Some months ago enigmaticelf and I did self-manual posts. We've from time to time discussed the rights and priveleges I want to take or she wants to give - we even wrote down a few of them current ones. Back all those months ago, I was thinking what I'd do if someone gave up everything, every right and privelege, the entire total control thing. I realized that there are a few rights I would give back, no matter what - the priveleges and rights I *refuse* to take. Today I found the half written post, and finished it.
If any sub were to give up everything, here are some of the rights I would give back:
- Right to communicate: via safewords or any other means. Until I can read your mind you will be free to speak it. I may occasionally curtail unnecessary chatter or disrespectful speach, but problems and concerns are always welcomed. I value connection more than false curtesy and your safety above all else.
- Right to your own opinion: I want a smart sub who has opinions, and I generally want to hear them. Just because I don't do things your way doesn't mean I want to erase that part of you.
- Freedom of emotion: You are free to feel, enjoy, hate, like, and dislike anything and everything. I may ask you to do something you hate, do it willingly, and possibly force you to beg for it, but I wan't demand that you like it. Nothing makes me snicker like some dom making rules about how his sub will feel. The sub can't control that much more than the dom. I may try to influence your emotions, set up the circumstances to get a particular one, and I will use them - but you are free to have whatever feelings occur without punishment, guilt, or denegration.
- Right to a life: I do *not* want a sub demanding my attention 24 hours a day. I *do* want a strong sub who can bring her own identity to our relationship. In support of this, you will always have a right to your own life, and the chance to express and pursue that. This includes compromises to my wants, desires, and control when they might interfere with these pursuits (note compromise, this doesn't mean a blank check).
- Body: while I appreciate my sub's body as a joy to look at and feel, I don't have to live in it. You must decide what treatment of your body - through eating, exercise, modifications, etc - works for you. I will be honored by any control you give me in this area, but in the end you must decide if it's a body you want to live in.
- Others: you give *me* your comfort and trust. I expect you to acknowledge my opinions about other people but I will not expect you to give them that comfort and trust unless they earn it with you
- Necessary comfort: while I like skimpy clothes and heels, I don't demand you wear them in the snow. A happy sub is a desirable sub, so you have to right to ensure reasonable comfort regardless of my orders (see right to communicate).
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